Intimate Relationship with Fiancee
I have had some intimate moments with my fiancee though not sexual intercourse. i know its wrong i avoid it but he wants more of it. as he sure we will marry? what do I do help me?
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh,
Dear Sister,
In Islamic jurisprudence, till the marriage contract is done, couples are nothing but strangers (non-mahram) to each other. Engagement is the period between the proposal and the nikah and is a kind of marriage promise, not a marriage agreement. So, during the engagement period, fiancées are still non-mahram and they can’t look at the forbidden parts of their bodies, touch, and kiss and even can’t be together without a third, mahram person with them.
This fact is obviously mentioned in the ayahs and hadiths above:
“Successful indeed are the believers. Those who offer their prayers with all solemnity and full submissiveness. And those who turn away from evil, vain talk. And those who pay the Zakat. And those who guard their chastity (i.e. private parts, from illegal sexual acts) Except from their wives or that their right hands possess, for then, they are free from blame; But whoever seeks beyond that, then those are the transgressors…“ (Surah al Mu’minun; 23, 1-7)
Does flirting help the engagement period?
The aim of the engagement is not flirting but understanding eachother and comforting their spirits about the marriage decision. If engagement turns to be a flirting period and desires take over, than the purpose of engagement will never be fulfilled. Since feelings engage in haram activities that will be allowed after marriage, mind cannot focus on understanding whether the fiancée is the compatible spouse or not.
Do not approach premarital sexual intercourse!
More to the point, although you do not want to make the mistake of committing adultery, intimate relations with your fiancée will, unintentionally, take you closer to it. Allah (swt) orders the Muslims to avoid any action that may approach to adultery;
“And do not approach unlawful sexual intercourse. Indeed, it is ever an immorality and is evil as a way.” (Al Israa 17;32)
Allah Almighty says: "If you avoid the major (part) of what you have been forbidden (to do), We will cancel out for you your (other) evil deeds and will admit you (to Paradise) with a noble entry" (An-Nisaa’ 4:31)
Avoid staying alone with your fiancée and anything lead to temptation
So you should avoid anything arousing the sexual desires such as being together alone, talking about matters that provoke sexual feelings and anything that lead to temptation and haram.
The Prophet said: “Whenever a man is alone with a woman the Shaytan makes a third” (Tirmidhi)
He also advised men: “Not one of you should meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative (mahram) within the prohibited degrees” (Bukhari, Muslim).
Do not lose the pleasure of Allah (swt) for temporary and regretful desires
And the more you avoid haram, the more your marriage will be blessed inshallah. And always bear in mind that intimate relations that are forbidden for you now will actually be allowed when you get married. So, just be patient and do not deprive yourselves of the mercy of Allah (swt) that will bless you the happiness of this world and akhirah by rushing into haram relations.
As to your fiancée; you should talk to him about these important aspects of engagement openly and tell him about your concerns about committing haram and losing the pleasure of Allah (swt) and His blessings on your marriage. Your fiancée has to accept the fact that, although you are serious about your marriage decision, you are his fiancée who is still a non-mahram to him; not his wife yet; so intimate relations are totally forbidden. Although you have promised marriage to eachother, it can be broken any time. So do not let haram relations ruin your valuable engagement period and harm the happiness of your marriage and remember that the more you are careful with the orders of Allah (swt), the happier you will be inshallah. Besides, refusing his desires does not mean that you do not love him, as premarital intimate relations do not come to the meaning that you love eachother very much. The real love is preserving your chastity for your marriage and respect eachother.
To sum up sister, we advise you to repent to Allah (swt) for your mistakes, speak to your fiancée about your concerns, keep away from anything leading to intimate relation and hasten to get married if possible.
May Allah (swt) protect us all from haram and the dangers of nafs and satan and strengthen our hearts and feet on His way.
Best Regards!
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